Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
