I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
