Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
