I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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