Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
