can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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