I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
