you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
