I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
