I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
