It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
