Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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