I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Randomize
