I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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