If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
