Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You ruined the universe
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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