i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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