I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
