I'm drive I can fine osifer
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
