rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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