someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
