I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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