I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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