where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
