My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
