I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
