he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
