I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
