all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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