dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
