So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
