Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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