i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
