the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
