Rock
Scissors
Fuck
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
