Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
My breasts were aching with rage.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
