I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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