I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
