I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
