Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
