So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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