So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
