I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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