i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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