I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
