I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
