she woke up with a sticky ear
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Randomize
