If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
