I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
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