Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
