She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
